The Gift I Didn't Want
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.—James 1:17
On September 17, 2012, our family added Anah Joy to our family. Her orphanage was being closed and the director, a believer, called our pastor with a plea for help in finding homes for six of their special needs kids—ones who would probably not thrive in the rigors of the state orphanage. Anah was the youngest of the bunch. She has Down Syndrome. When we finally met her, she was seven but acted like an 18-month-old—drool, diapers, and all.
It has been nine years since we adopted Anah. She is now 16 years old, with all the sass and attitude of a teenager, but with the understanding of a toddler. I was hoping it would get easier, but to be honest, it hasn’t. Especially not with COVID.
In my head, I know that God intends Anah to be a gift, like our other three children. But to be honest, there are many times when I think, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Like a gift of socks or underwear, I know that God must have a good reason for bringing Anah into our home, but I struggle to appreciate it.
Sometimes we get gifts that we need to grow into. Little by little, I am just starting to see that though difficult, Anah truly is a “good and perfect gift” from the Lord—one that shows how well He knows me and what I truly need:
1. A new understanding of my own special needs.
Prior to the adoption, I was completely blind to the depth of my sin. As a “good girl,” I looked down on Anah for her neediness, not realizing that though less obvious, I was no different. Recognizing this about myself has deepened my appreciation of the Gospel, that while I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me (Rom. 5:8).
2. A new understanding of the love of Christ.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I often feel resentful that I have to take care of Anah. I grumble because I still need to style her hair, clip her nails, and brush her teeth because she cannot do it on her own. I don’t like the inconvenience of living my life on her schedule because she needs the routine and stability. I feel tired as I bear the weight and limitations of her disability.
But there is something good that comes out of this too. Jesus also had to bear the burden of our own need though it wasn’t his. And He did it willingly. He didn’t grumble, complain, or whine as I do about bearing the weight of our sins on the cross. Though my experience is difficult and in no way compares to what Christ has borne for me, it gives me a glimpse into the heart of our Savior who willingly stooped down to care for us (Phil. 2:5-8).
3. A new connection with others in Christ.
As I began to accept that I too was broken, I started sharing about my struggles with Anah, which opened up doors of connection and a new community of support that I did not have before—friends who have since held me up in the hard days and helped me to keep pressing forward. This levels the playing field and has helped me to actually build deeper relationships with others.
No, I didn’t ask for Anah. But He knew I needed her—probably even more than she needs me. Just as the orphanage director knew that Anah would not do well in the state institution, my Father also knew that my special needs, left untended, will not be good for me either. Though she feels like a thorn in the flesh at times, I am grateful that God has not removed her from my life, so that like Paul, I will also be kept from being conceited (2 Cor. 12:7). What a gift of grace!
How about you? Maybe you struggle with something painful in your own life—your own thorn in the flesh, a toxic work environment, a broken relationship, a besetting sin. Or maybe it is something that is meant to be good that has turned sour. What might God be inviting you to learn—about Himself, about yourself? How might you respond so that what is an unwanted gift becomes a means to deeper love and fellowship with Christ?
My prayer is that this Christmas season, you too may learn to thank the Father of lights who knows how to give good gifts to His children.
This post is adapted and updated from one I wrote in 2018 for SOLA Network.
