Book Review: The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God by Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. –Eph. 5:31-32
Book Information:
Author: Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller
Pages: 352
Publisher: Penguin Books
Year: 2013
This year, my husband and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. That’s a major milestone for us!
But there have been many times in those years when I wished we had read the Kellers’ The Meaning of Marriage beforehand. Of course, it wasn’t written at that time, but its message is vital in this world where “love” has been elevated to be the highest good. Though that’s great, that actually isn’t high enough.
In a world where God has been dethroned, then yes, love is a great thing. But for believers who desire to see Christ enthroned in their lives, we have a higher call. Marriage is no longer a mutually beneficial relationship but one that is a reflection of Christ and his church.
That’s quite a vision.
On our own it is impossible. But how might this vision touch down into our actual relationships? Or how might it change how we approach marriage as a single person?
When Tim Keller first presented the material for this book, it was in the form of nine Sunday sermons to his predominantly single church, back in 1991. (You can listen to these original sermons for free here.) He wanted to present a vision of marriage that does not idolize it (as the Christian community can) nor minimize it as an antiquated institution (as the world does).
Rather, he presents the vision of marriage in Genesis 1-2 side by side with the New Testament biblical reality we have in Christ, exploring Ephesians 5:18-33 from various angles. It is more of a visionary book, though there are practical implications sprinkled throughout.
Keller’s focus is not on the humans involved but on the gospel of Christ’s saving work in each of our hearts and the Holy Spirit’s supernatural work in our hearts to love supernaturally. This love is not merely romantic love but a deep spiritual friendship between a man and a woman as they journey together through life. It is the foundation of marriage that gives it its fullest meaning and purpose.
As they clearly state in their Introduction, this book is not just for married couples but for singles and unbelievers as well. One chapter focuses specifically on the single person and how they can keep from the two dangers of either “over-desiring marriage or destructively dismissing marriage altogether.” For the unreligious, they hope that this book will give them a stronger understanding of the God who created marriage.
With that said, it goes without saying that those who do not view marriage as “a lifelong, monogamous relationship between a man and a woman” (p. 16) will not find their lifestyle choices supported here. Neither does it encourage the idea of “soul mates,” as if just finding the right person will eliminate all the hard work a true marriage requires.
The first time I encountered this book actually was with our church’s singles group. I also have used this book in discipling my daughter after she finished high school. The last time I used it was during a discussion with newlywed young women during their first year of marriage. Each time, it has served as a solid reference point to help others.
How This Book Has Helped Me
But this book is not just for others. It is for my own marriage too.
I think the one thing that I took away from this personally is that marriage is not a sprint. It is not something I enjoy when it pleases me and then throw away to move on to someone else when it does not.
Rather, marriage is one of God’s greatest tools for our sanctification. Instead of viewing my husband as someone who fulfills my purposes, I am learning to see that my husband is God’s agent for making me more like Christ.
With a lifelong commitment, till death do us part and through all the trials and tribulations that every couple living in this world will face, God can do amazing and miraculous things. I have definitely had my share, especially after our adoption. There have been times when I wondered if I could stay in our marriage.
That was on the practical level. But this book elevated my eyes to see that my hardships with my husband were not merely to be avoided. I didn’t need to create them, but I learned that it is through them that I can learn to love like Christ.
Specifically, this book helped me to see that while marriage should have romance, it is more than romance. Romance alone cannot sustain a marriage. But the God who created marriage can.
In a season of my life where we struggled with trusting and loving one another, when it was stressful and painful, God has broken my heart and reformed it again. Most of all, I came to know Jesus as my gentle and faithful husband, who would not fail me though my earthly husband falls short.
What this book presented for me is a love, rooted in Christ, that far surpasses what our Western culture offers. Our world treats marriage cheaply, an issue of individual freedom.
But God treats it as a picture of Christ and the church. And if I wanted to follow and love Jesus, then that means learning to grow as I committed myself—even if it was costly to my own self-interest—to staying in my marriage. It encouraged me that the sacrifices I made, when made in the light of the gospel, would have greater repercussions than I could imagine. The Gospel comes to life.
That is compelling to me. And that is worth my own freedoms.
A Quote and A Question:
“Unless you’re able to look at marriage through the lens of Scripture instead of through your own fears or romanticism, through your particular experience, or through your culture’s narrow perspectives, you won’t be able to make intelligent decisions about your own marital future.” (p. 17)
What forms the basis of your view of marriage? Are you taking your cues from the culture or have you built it on your parents’ marriage?
What do you know about what Scripture says about marriage—and in what ways do you agree or disagree with it?
Additional Resources:
Gospel in Life: Marriage: The free 9-week marriage sermon series from which this book originated.
The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple’s Devotional: if you’d like the book’s themes in smaller chunks or to read together, this might be a good option. Discussion questions, prayer prompts, and application ideas included.
A 6-session study guide is also available for this book, for both married couples and singles to use in a small group setting.
