A Few Thoughts on a Sensitive Topic: Submission in Marriage
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.—Titus 2:3-5 (emphasis mine)
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.—Phil. 2:1-4
Included in this verse is, to be honest, a teaching that I struggled with. Yes, the “S” word: submission.
Perhaps it is because I don’t feel like it is something I’m particularly good at. In fact, I am often guilty of being rather bossy. So I feel disqualified to teach this.
But if I’m even more honest, I feel nervous because of the cultural pushback against it. How can I encourage submission when it has also been so easily abused?
Stories abound on how this verse has been taken and used to hurt many women. Even husbands with good intentions can wrongly apply this verse in an ungodly way.
Then there are Christian women who live with ungodly men who have no regard for the Lord at all. Are we really supposed to submit to them?
Because this is not a series on this topic, my treatment of it will be in broad strokes only. But I will attempt to focus on the basics as well as provide some resources for additional study.
Submission in Scripture
First, let’s take a look at a couple observations from Scripture.
Point #1: God expects women to submit to their husbands. When a woman enters into a lifelong covenant of marriage, she is, in a sense, also putting herself under his leadership. Conversely, a man who has not committed to a woman in marriage cannot expect her to submit to him.
Point #2: A woman is to submit to her own husband. (Also in Eph. 5:22.) This is not a blanket statement that women are to submit to someone just because he’s married.
If you are married, however, God does expect you to submit to the man you married, for all the days of your life. This is not only in the things she agrees with, but perhaps more importantly, in the things she does not. Submission requires the relinquishing of your will in preference to another for the greater purpose of unity (Phil. 2:1-4 gives a beautiful description of the heart of submission—addressed to all believers).
However, submission for the wife is to be matched by sacrificial love by the husband. Though not mentioned in Titus 2, Paul goes into more detail of what is expected of a husband in Eph. 5:22-33.
Men are expected to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If you ask me, that is probably even harder than submitting. For Christ loved His bride to the death—and an unfair, cruel, and painful one at that.
Submission is hard. Loving like Christ is hard. But when both husband and wife desire to accurately reflect Christ, they will commit to seriously labor faithfully towards that end. The result: a beautiful marriage that reflects the spiritual marriage we have in Christ.
And that is what we are aiming for as we train younger women to submit to their own husbands.
Teaching About Submission
So how can an older woman teach about submission to a younger woman?
First, we can teach that our first and primary commitment is to our heavenly Bridegroom. We submit to our husbands because He asks us to do so. All our submission on earth must also first honor Christ. Any demands from our earthly husbands that run contrary to Scripture or are sinful are excluded (Acts 5:29). Conversely, a lack of desire to submit is rooted in a lack of submission to God.
Second, we can look at submission in light of the Trinity. We can start from the larger and then go to the smaller. The relationship of the Trinity helps puts this command into perspective and give a purpose to it.
If we really think about it, marriage is not simply appreciating the difference in role assignments and being fair and respectful. Marriage is a human representation of the Trinitarian relationship that preexisted it.
All three members of the Trinity—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit—are all God in their essence, yet they are unlike one another. (Another big topic, so I will refer you here for an overview.)
Despite their unity and equality in nature, they also play different roles. We see them submitting to one another and supporting each other at various points (e.g. Phil. 2:5-8). This emptying of self for the good of another is the key to what it means to be in a submitted relationship.
Unfortunately, however, because of our sin, we will go astray from what our original intention is meant to be. This is where our training will need to come in—how do we start moving towards what God intended marriage to picture?
If submission is divorced from the original vision of the Trinity, it will be subject to all kinds of abuses. And because we live in a culture that is increasingly hostile to God and His ways, it is not surprising that submission is likewise considered foolish and ridiculed as an archaic, and even dangerous, command.
Therefore, submission is not about simply doing whatever your husband tells you to do, like a mindless robot or slave. All believers are called to imitate Christ in His willingness to surrender our rights for the greater good. In that vein, wives have a particular call to submit to their own husbands—and it is in this light that we want to teach about submission.
Again, this is a very basic discussion. But as wives commit themselves to our heavenly Bridegroom by growing in godly submission to our earthly husbands, we begin to reflect the love of God in its fullest.
Recognize that the world will call submission foolish because we submit ourselves to powerlessness. Submission, however, gives access to the power and protection of God (Heb. 5:7). And that is the safest place to be.
But What if He’s Abusive?
With some trepidation, I want to touch on this topic as it often comes up. I am by no means an expert on this, so please also refer to the recommended resources to enrich your understanding. The following are some of my initial thoughts.
What Abuse is Not
Abuse is not when our husbands disagree with us or are prompted by the Spirit to follow a path that is against our personal liking. There will be times, because we are different people, that our husbands will look at life differently.
If this is the case, we need to train our younger sisters to identify the point of difference and consider the option of laying aside their personal preferences. If the difference is not sinful, would you be willing—out of love—to bear what feels unfair and set it aside to honor your husband’s desires?
Neither is abuse an occasional spat. We will all lose our temper and get angry, sometimes even in a frightening way. All of us, because we are still wrestling with indwelling sin, will have moments in our lives when we will lash out or say things we don’t mean. When that happens, may we be willing to reconcile and forgive.
At the heart of this—whether we are selfish or we are on the receiving end of someone else’s selfishness, will challenge our desire and willingness to submit. But abuse goes beyond that.
When You Should Be Concerned
On the other hand, being able to recognize potential abuse is also vital. I am generally hesitant to apply the term “abuse” until I have some good grounds to suspect something going on. As an older woman, we should understand when things at home are not right and to gently inquire and provide support.
Fear often keeps many women silent, lest they are discovered and their situation gets worse. This can prevent them from getting the help they (and sometimes their children) need. If we suspect physical abuse or domestic violence, we need to be prepared to open our homes to these women and their families at a moment’s notice.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence but can also include emotional abuse, which can go undetected for a long time. Most obviously, these include outright cruelty, hateful comments, threats, name-calling, mockery, and slander, in public or in private. But abuse can also be passive: manipulation, gaslighting, comments laced with sarcasm, or blame.
Though emotional abuse may not leave physical evidence like domestic violence, they are still wrong because this treatment fails to honor her as an image bearer. Lilly Park describes the significant impact this has, saying, “Emotional abuse is more deceitful than physical abuse. … [It] is unacceptable and sinful. It is slowly killing a person.”
When a woman tries to keep the peace, avoiding confrontation lest she set off an emotional bomb, when you see her demeanor start to fade, when she continually tries to please her husband to gain his acceptance or protect herself from blame—take note and begin to pray for wisdom. As long as she continues this, she is playing along and actually encouraging him in his sinful ways. Over time, she may also develop her own sinful attitudes of bitterness and resentment that are equally poisonous to a marriage.
A Christian husband that is continually degrading his wife—subconsciously or not—is guilty of sin. Even if he believes he is within his rights as the leader of the home, this does not condone the means. As older women, it is vital that we be able to help our younger sisters to wisely discern and navigate this often tricky situation.
Recommended Resources
If you find yourself in a situation where you need to walk with someone through it, here are a couple resources to start you on your way:
When Home Hurts by Greg Wilson and Jeremy Pierre
Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland
