Finding Rest Through Relationships
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”—Matt. 22:37-40
It’s interesting that once I started getting back on track with God, I also began to get a new look at my relationships with others too. It’s no surprise that loving others flows out of loving God. When our hearts are being transformed by God, they will take on His priorities—and that means loving people.
As I made my way home from the mountaintop, I wondered how I could somehow bottle up this “spiritual high” that I was feeling. Things seemed hopeful now, but what would happen when the reality of life comes crashing in on me again?
Up until then, I had been living a very closed-off life. As I had shared, I had shut myself off not only from God but others. I felt guilty and ashamed of my inability to handle our new life of adoption and disability. And I didn’t want others to know it.
But living like this also is a spiritual danger. By cutting myself off from others, I also became blind to the tactics of Satan. This left me in a position where I was easy to pick off—which is exactly what happened.
Older Women
And so, one of the things I began to do was to see if I could find any older women who could walk with me. I asked our pastor’s wife, but she said “no.”
So I tried again, because I knew this was important. My next line of candidates were simply women in books. I had learned from Sally Clarkson before, so I started re-reading her books on motherhood again. These helped me to regain a vision for what it means for me to love my children—and not just Anah—well.
In His good time, though, God brought Miltinnie into my life. She too had a disabled (now adult) son, so she was a few paces ahead of me. She also was a ministry wife, busy serving the Lord. By His grace, He gifted me with a relationship that I appreciate to this day.
Over time, He brought in other women as well. Whenever I would hear a woman share about her disabled child during a talk, I would reach out and introduce myself. Sometimes these women were not much older than me but had a wisdom and heart that I admired. One such friend became a sounding board, but also a kick in the pants when I needed it! They all prayed for and supported me.
Doing this really helped me to not feel alone but also to learn from others. I left our conversations recharged in a different way. It was a different kind of rest that helped me to face the challenges of being the mother of a disabled child.
Supportive Friends
As I learned to live out the truths of my limited humanity, I found that Jesus’ yoke truly was lighter. No longer did I have to maintain this “perfect” exterior, even as a pastor’s wife.
Little by little, when people asked me how life was going with Anah, I tentatively experimented with telling the truth. Usually, I would start by simply saying, “It has been hard.” For some, that was as far as it went.
But for others, I found they were truly surprised—and interested—in learning more. I would add a little more elaboration if they asked. I was pleasantly surprised to find that many of them were not only willing to listen, they wanted to help.
As I began to acknowledge my limits, God also began to teach me that I could be comfortable in them. This was a new lesson for me. To quote biblical counselor, Ed Welch, I was able to accept the fact that I was both needy and needed.
This was a different kind of rest. It is the rest of not having to perform. To have it all together. To come to church with a smiling face when I have had a hard morning.
Even after I returned home, the rest I received on the mountain was bearing fruit. God continued to lighten my load by working in my heart in my relationships with others.
Rest at Home
But what I really needed was a way to find rest at home, despite the many demands of caring for Anah. I knew that in order for us to continue this ministry to Anah, we also needed time to regroup as a family.
To be honest, this was the biggest challenge. As her parents, I knew that this was my responsibility. I could not pawn her off.
But as God began to change my heart, and as I began to enlarge my circle of support, I began to grow in courage to admit our need to others. Though it was hard to ask, I began to invite others to consider hosting Anah in their homes for the weekend, from Friday afternoon to Sunday at church. To my amazement, several families did.
These weekends became so special to us as a family. They provided us rest
physically, allowing us to sleep as long as we needed without worrying about Anah’s schedule.
spiritually, allowing us to enter into some extended personal time with the Lord on those weekends
relationally, giving us time and space to enjoy one another. This helped us begin the long road back to restoring our marriage and home life.
As God began to transform my heart, I began to be more comfortable inviting—not demanding—help from others. This step of faith began first with a vertical working out of my own shame and guilt, then continued horizontally to invite others alongside with us.
As these families were doing us a favor, I spent time thinking through how to help make caring for Anah as smooth as possible for them. I spent time preparing them with some basics: routine, tips, ideas, and most importantly, permission and trust to do what they thought best, even if it was not what I would do.
As a result, not only was this a blessing for us, it was a blessing for Anah and for the families too. When she saw her overnight bag out, she knew what was ahead and tried to help “pack.” And the other families also enjoyed their time with her. It was a win for all.
How About You?
Perhaps you might not need help for an entire weekend, but the toll of being up at night regularly requires you to ask for help from others. You may not need what we did, but would you be open to trusting God and others by sharing your needs with them?
Receiving the love of God through His rest can open the door to other forms of rest. Not only can physical replenishment help us to think more clearly and respond to the Lord, it rejuvenates us to relate more humbly and honestly with others.
As you consider your own life, what are some ways that you can begin to share your burdens with others?
Is there an older woman in your life—whether in person or through the pages of a book—that you can learn from?
Would you be willing to share with her, or with others you trust and respect, your burdens and cares?
As God began to work in my heart, He began to also work in the heart of my family. We’ll talk about that in our next post.
