Are You a Control Freak?
For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.—2 Cor. 5:14-15
Do you like to be in control? I know I do. There is something gratifying about making a plan and seeing it materialize. That’s probably the closest any of us will ever come to feeling the power God displays at creation.
Control is a form of power. Like many things, it can be used for good, but because of our tendency to walk in the flesh, it can be warped and twisted into something evil.
In its worst forms, we have seen it in dictatorships. But it doesn’t have to be on such a large scale to be harmful. Control can be exercised in subtle ways—and worse, even be disguised as good.
Not All Control is Bad
Now to be clear, I am not saying that all control is wrong. I want to differentiate it from self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). But even that is not something we exercise—it is the outgrowth of the life of the Spirit in us.
Additionally, we need to remember that God does give us some level of control.
After creating the first man and woman, He gave them the mandate to rule and reign over all creation as His stewards (Gen. 1:24). The Proverbs 31 woman shows how this looks in the household as she plans, shops, and manages her household. So we cannot make a blanket statement that all control is bad.
Ungodly Control
However, there are other forms of control that are not so sweet:
Legalism: controlling yourself and/or others through laws you make to control and judge behavior
Overwork or micromanagement: working too hard or hovering over others to make sure they do what you want.
People-pleasing: posturing yourself in your relationships to get what you want
Retaliation or revenge: hurtfully exercising your power to get what may even rightfully be just
Image management: manipulating how you look to gain favor from others.
Resistance or even anger towards opposing ideas: people learn to give in rather than be honest when something seems wrong.
To be honest, this list can go on forever. We all have our preferred ways of controlling. You might not do what I do, but we all do something.
The Root of Control
That should not be surprising, for we all share the same problem: We all want to be like God (Gen. 3:5). The lie that we too can know the difference between good and evil, unfortunately, is what powers our desire for control.
At the heart of it, this is pride. Pride is elevating ourselves and our wisdom above others—and even above God Himself.
When we strip away all the thorns, we get to the root—and this is a nasty one. It is supremely offensive to God, for it flies in the face of our very nature—and His.
At the root of control is a reversal of roles: We take God’s place and reduce Him to our servant. Our good works becomes means to earn His blessing, to get what we want.
Even if our control is levelled towards other people, our first issue is in our relationship with God. Out of this false understanding of who He is and who we are flows the problems we experience with others.
Weeding Out Control
So what do we do if we desire to get out of the dangerous deception of a controlling heart?
First, start by asking yourself: Am I willing to change? Do I desire something different?
If you honestly do not wish to change, you may need to start here, asking God to see and understand how ungodly control is an affront to Him and damaging to others.
Second, humbly ask God to make you aware of the form your control takes.
Like I said, it doesn’t appear in the same way for all of us. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to unearth these forms:
Are there standards and values that you hold in high regard that are underneath your drive to control?
What do you do when you feel life is out of control? What are you feeling, and what do you do to alleviate that feeling?
When things are unfair, how do you seek to resolve the problem and make it right?
When you see people doing things differently than you, how do you respond? What are you thinking as you observe them? What do you feel tempted to do to change or fix it?
How do you feel when you stand before God? Are you at peace or do you feel a lingering guilt that you feel obligated to “clean up” before you can stand in His presence?
Not all of these questions may pertain to you, but spend some time letting these begin to open up your understanding in how ungodly control can be expressed in your life.
Third, take the next step deeper. From what you do, consider what powers your actions.
Out of the heart mouth speaks and acts. What do you believe or hold dear that leads you to act as you do? For example:
“When I work hard, things happen. If I don’t, nothing does.”
As a result, we drive ourselves—some of us even enslaving ourselves to our work. [I will have to admit, this is probably my “drug” of choice.]
“It would be so much easier if I did it myself.”
Whether happiness or convenience, we take control to minimize the hassle.
“If I have more control, life will be better.”
All of us have an idea of what the “best life” looks like. Consciously or not, we use that as the standard by which we steer our lives.
“Being in control is a sign of maturity.”
We want to be seen and known as a leader—or we like the power and respect that comes with it, so we demand others to conform to us. This can be subtle, as through flattery or it can be oppressive—or many shades in between.
Again, you may have your own reasons. The important thing is to figure out what that is. Articulate it in a sentence and write it out so you can see it.
Often times, you will probably find that it is something that you don’t believe theoretically. You may see it and know deep down that it isn’t true—or it is even unbiblical.
However, it’s not about what you know or say you believe. It’s about how you functionally act that gives you a picture of what you truly believe.
So again, if you truly want to get to the heart of it, be willing to be brutally honest. Sometimes we need the shock of seeing it on paper.
Only when we do so will we be able to start working with it. Fuzzy beliefs cannot be changed. Only starkly clear ones can be challenged, confessed, and reshaped.
Fourth, lay out your findings to God.
Before we can change our control issues with others, we need to do business with God. That is where all the problems begin.
Admit the ways that you have tried to take over His rightful place as sovereign of all. Be as specific as you can, naming situations, conversations, thoughts, etc.
Most importantly, name this as it is: the sin of pride.
This is what underlies all that we do—the belief that we know better than God.
Legalism is about making your own laws of justification and sanctification instead of accepting His free gift through Christ.
Taking our own revenge suggests that His timetable is slow or His justice inadequate.
People pleasing is our way of setting up another idol to worship—one we believe will give us what we want.
But thanks be to God that He has sent Christ! His death on the cross covers these blatant sins.
So the fifth thing we do: apply the truths of the Gospel to our hearts.
When we turn to Him by faith, His blood pays the debt for what we owe. We are forgiven. We are set free from this need to exercise ungodly control.
Not only that, because He has risen from the dead, He is now alive. Because He has ascended into heaven, He has now sent us the great gift of the Holy Spirit to live within us.
Through Him, we have the power to begin to live differently. This is the only way to begin seeing change.
Sixth, we start living—also by faith—in the new pathways of grace.
We acknowledge His lordship in our lives and release the need to perform, to micromanage, to manipulate.
We trust that His ways are better than ours and that His purposes will be accomplished without help from us.
We live by the power of the Spirit and let Him express His control in our lives as we live, move, and serve for His glory, not our own justification.
This is not something that happens in a day, but when we begin to recognize our patterns of control, the things that tempt us to go back into those old ways, we can then be aware of how we can start acting differently.
It is in those moments God invites us to submit ourselves to His control. He doesn’t take us away from challenging situations. Rather, He allows us to struggle a bit, for that is where we build the muscle we need to grow and mature.
Control Uprooted
As we do, little by little, we will find that the need to control is tamed, tempered. We become truly free as we are controlled by Christ (2 Cor. 5:14-15).
Again, it is true that we can and should control certain aspects of our life—our health, our time, our work—but we do so as stewards, not as the boss.
But we need to humbly be aware that there is also a lot in life that we cannot control. We cannot control the development of cancer cells or conception. We cannot dictate other people’s minds, hearts or ways.
We live in a world where disappointment and sadness are a reality, but when we trust and rest in the sovereign hands of a loving, good God who sees all and knows all—and who truly has the power to make wrongs right—we can find the rest from control that we long for.
