Older Mom to Younger Mom: Commitments and Skills to Cultivate
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.—Phil. 1:6
Ultimately, parenting is a long discipleship relationship.
As a mother, we are called to build a culture in our families. This means we shape the atmosphere of the home and its spirit. Will it have the fragrance of Christ or will it be indistinguishable from the world’s?
To build this culture, we need to both instruct and train our kids:
Instruction is the faithful teaching of truth: the breadth of Scripture, theology and doctrine, morality, and wisdom.
Training is the consistent application of that truth into the nitty gritty of life
Just as I have said over and over, this is not something we are able to do without first starting with our own lives. As moms, we also are on this same journey that our children are on. Our context and season is different, but we also need to practice our own rhythms of Bible study, prayer, and learning (reading). We also need to grow in applying Scripture into our marriage, parenting, homemaking, and personal schedules.
In this post, I want to share an overview of the things that we as parents can do to help our children learn the three lessons that I introduced in my previous post. I asked myself: If I were to practice the call of Titus 2 with the young ladies in my home and life, what would I want to pass on?
But before I do, let me say this: This is not a daily checklist. Rather, consider it a “buffet table.” Some things may be better for certain seasons than others. Others may fit particular children.
Use this list in a spirit of prayer. With the help of the Holy Spirit, ask Him to help you discern what your children need at each particular stage and tailor it to their understanding. Revisit the list each year or season of your child’s development and update your focus.
You may also wish to consider the list in light of your entire family. Maybe you’re noticing a general spirit of discontent, argument, or laziness that you need to address together. Let this list help you to pinpoint areas of growth that can guide your family devotions or mealtime discussions.
All this to say is that this list is a suggestion. Pick and choose what you want to focus on at each particular season and revisit it often.
God willing, you will have 18 years at least to raise and train your children. I am now on my 28th year of parenting and it still continues with adult children. The lessons are different, the combination of ages is different, but I still need to work on my parenting with intention.
Five Commitments in Parenting
The values that we are committed to will flavor how we fill our days. If we hope our children will make these values their own, we need to start growing in making these values the guiding principles in our own lives first.
How are you doing with these commitments in your own life?
Commitment 1: Are you committed to spending time abiding in God through His Word? What is your attitude about it—duty or delight?
When you read it, are you actively seeking ways to submit and obey? This may be simply learning to humbly let God change the worship of your heart. Or it can be through actions of love and service to those around you.
This is the essential first commitment, for your own faith and reflection will shape the way you love and lead your children.
Commitment 2: Are you committed to being the primary teacher of biblical literacy, morality, theology, wisdom and faith to your children?
Admittedly, this is hard for some parents. We often think that we need to be Bible scholars, but that is not the case. None of the apostles were. They simply spent time with Jesus. (See commitment #1.)
When you have steeped in the Word, it will shape your words as well. These two commitments go together.
As a corollary, we also need to be committed to monitoring and guarding them from ungodly influences. Violence, immorality, pornography, cynicism, hopelessness—all can creep in without our knowing.
While we cannot protect them from all evil, we can limit its influence. Until they are old enough to do so themselves, we want to help them guard their hearts as the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).
This dual commitment of keeping out the evil and filling it with God is a conscious commitment we need to make. It creates a family culture that roots our children in love, innocence, kindness, truth, morality, and trust—strong to withstand the forces of life.
Commitment 3: Are you committed to loving your husband and growing in friendship with him?
Your marriage is the nucleus of your home, not your children. It is out of our love for one another that we add children to our circle.
Though they do require a lot of effort and energy, our primary relationship of focus will be our marriages. One day, our children will leave the home but God willing, my husband and I will still be a family together. Our nest may be smaller, but it is not entirely empty as long as the two of us are still in it.
The way we grow in our marriage will speak volumes to our children at every stage of our lives. Loving our children begins with loving our husbands. Even if our children will require much of our focus, let us commit to spending time with our spouses throughout these busy days.
Commitment 4: Are you committed to the unfair love required of parents?
Parenting is not a fair trade. We will be required to die to ourselves constantly—from middle-of-the-night feedings, to expensive orthodontics and college bills, to hours of time spent on school projects and chauffeuring to practices and lessons. Will you be committed to doing what is most beneficial to your children, even if it is at cost to you?
Personally, I have found this commitment the most challenging because I am a selfish person.
Children require time. They require time in training—over and over. They require time one on one, listening and hearing them to build their trust.
That time will cut in to our own time for downtime, space, hobbies, and our own friends. Though I believe these things are important, if I am ever in a situation where I need to choose, there were times I had to delay these to care for my kids. Sometimes it meant taking them aside during a birthday party, leaving my grocery cart, or even pulling off the freeway to address an issue.
Commitment 5: Are you committed to modeling the nature of God to your children?
Again, this requires personal experience with the fatherhood of God in our own lives.
Humbly receiving His grace when we fail. Experiencing His personal care in ordinary moments. Hearing His words of encouragement when we are discouraged. Trusting Him when we are afraid.
As we follow the perfect Father, we get a better picture of what it means to reflect Him to our children.
Skills for Parents to Cultivate
Parenting is an art that requires skill. While I cannot go into great detail, here are some skills for young parents to develop.
Learning how to speak conversationally, not in lecture mode
The ability to teach the Bible accurately, winsomely, and reverently
Helping children think biblically about a topic or issue, especially if the world has a contradictory view
Discernment to identify heart issues towards God, not just behavioral
Making the most of everyday routines (like mealtimes or bedtime) to build family culture and community
Training children to value the long-term benefits and not just short-term gratification
The ability to discern when to introduce certain topics to different children
Knowing how to wisely discuss the evil in their world and combat it through Christ
Showing kids to connect faith to real-life situations and how to trust God in the midst of them
Self-control to modulate your tone of voice in times of stress, impatience, and anger to be firm but not hurtful
Helping siblings converse and interact with one another during times of conflict
Modeling good manners, respect, and honor in the home and with others
Guiding children in relating with those older and younger than they are
Assisting children in good peer relational skills: withstanding peer pressure, maintaining integrity, being a leader, proper self-image, a heart of service, courageous but respectful stance against evil, a heart for those who need Christ
Establishing routines that reflect your values, especially time to train children in biblical truth and godly behavior
Involving children in hospitality, service, and sacrifices for the sake of others.
Patience to break up big challenges into smaller pieces and training little pieces at a time towards a bigger goal by teaching, demonstrating, and supervising until they can do it independently
Helping children cultivate a Godward focus in their work ethic—responsibility, timeliness, and excellence to the glory of God
Wisdom in knowing how to nurture and cultivate a child’s particular interests without it dominating or overtaking the family values you seek to nurture
Lifelong Discipleship
As parents, we are called to making disciples in our homes, taking advantage of every moment. While this list may seem like a daunting task (and even then, it’s not exhaustive!), remember that it is not a checklist. Even the best parents are going to drop the ball on some things. And sometimes, we need the help of the church or other godly mentors to teach things that we cannot.
What we can find hope in is this: God will ultimately finish the work. It is not up to us. All that we fail to do, He will complete.
And when He is with us, it will be perfect.
