How to Speak to Someone Who is Suffering
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.—2 Cor. 1:3-5
Contrary to what we might think, we are all called to provide counsel and help to others.
I don’t mean being called to be a vocational counselor. But we are all counselors nonetheless.
Every word we say—to your spouse, child, friend—are forms of counsel, leading people towards faith in God—or not..
This realization changed my view of how I address people who suffer. (And we all do.) I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of poor counsel, so I wanted to learn how to be able to share words that are seasoned with salt (Col. 4:6), words that build up both the listener and ultimately, the body of Christ (Eph. 4:29).
This is an expectation not only for the pastor or vocational minister but for ordinary people like you and me too. How can we speak comfort to those in any affliction? Will I be able to comfort those in chronic pain I’ve never experienced myself? Will I be able to speak the truth in love to a friend who is suffering due to sinful choices foreign to me?
Yes! We can! In my last post, I talked about preparing our own hearts as we learn to personally wrestle with our own suffering and view it from a biblical perspective, and then being available to be present and pray for others.
While there is a time to be silent and a time to pray to the Lord, there will eventually come a time to speak (Ecc. 3:7b). In those moments, what do we say?
Both James and John tell us that it is not enough merely to speak words that are biblically sound and hopeful, we need to accompany that with acts of love, help that may require sacrifice on our part (James 2:14-17; 1 John 3:16-18; 4:20-21). In this way, we become the Good Samaritan to our neighbors in need (Luke 10:25-37).
This is how we truly incarnate Christ, who does both. He both seeks to redirect our focus as well as relieve the suffering. We can embody this in our own ministry. Like Jonathan did for David in his time of despair and fear, we go to those who suffer and help strengthen their hold on God (1 Sam. 23:16).
This is holding someone who weeps and knowing how to guide them to God in their grief. It is bringing a meal for the body accompanied with words of hope for the soul to chew on. Together, it is a powerful combination. So how do we do this?
We Speak Words of Hope…
…by Helping them Lament
The process of giving hope can simply begin with words of prayer. Giving voice to the bewilderment, disappointment, or grief, helps begin the process of turning to the Lord.
Another way we can help in prayer is by helping them to lament. In this way, we help them to come to God themselves, putting into their own words the burdens they carry into the right hands. We walk with them to the throne of grace where they can find help in their time of need.
Lament prayer, somehow, feels uncomfortable, because we often have the false notion that I ought to bring God my best self, not my dirty laundry. Yet if we read the psalms, we see the psalmists doing just that. Therefore prompts can sometimes help:
Can you tell God what you think is wrong?
Are there questions you want to ask?
What is too much, too heavy for you to bear right now?
What kind of help or relief are you seeking right now?
Tell God about your losses and mourn those with Him.
Tell him about the pain of rejection or injustice.
What makes you feel so sad, disappointed, or hopeless?
If this is still too difficult, come to them with the words. Find an expression from the lament psalms and ask: “Does this sound like what you’re experiencing right now?” This provides a starting point to start putting their experience into words before the Lord.
In this way, we are helping our friends to take their cares to the Lord, in their own words (1 Peter 5:7). We cannot do the work for them, but we can carry them to the throne of grace and help strengthen the to reach out to the Lord.
…by Addressing Sin
Now this is probably where most people have a problem. I know I do. What do you say to someone who is suffering because of consequences to their own sin?
(Just a side note: I will be addressing more in depth in future posts as we look at how to minister to people who are in sin, but I did want to acknowledge this.)
First, be wise in both what you say and how you say it. Even if we speak truth, we are to do so in love (Eph. 4:15). Truth does not give us license to be judgmental, unkind, and ungracious in our speech. Aim to say the hard things without sinning ourselves—something we need to prayerfully consider.
Second, use questions whenever possible instead of making statements. When we ask questions, we keep the conversation going by inviting a response. And sometimes, as they think of their response, they realize the problem they have themselves, without us telling them. This is always far more impactful than us telling them what their problem is.
There is much more to say on this topic, which is why I have reserved next month’s posts to delve more deeply into it, so stay tuned! But whatever we say, may we do so in a way that confronts the sin squarely, truthfully, but kindly, helping them turn to God alone for comfort and perspective.
We Speak Words of Help
Assuming we have done all we can to understand the situation, it is still right to help relieve suffering. Christ did. There is no prohibition against helping others to ease the pain through practical solutions. It’s just not what we do first.
Words of hope are vital, but they can fall short (as mentioned above in James and 1 John). After we’ve listened, understood, and prayed, there is a time to get in the trenches and roll up our sleeves to help.
I remember how blessed I was when friends alongside us to help us relieve us of Anah’s care over the weekends. It was humbling to admit we needed someone we trusted to help bear that load. Friends took turns taking her in and she joined their families at ball games, recitals, and birthday parties. Their care for her was care for us, standing in the breach for a moment to allow us a breather. It was a generous gift of sacrifice we treasured greatly.
So how do we do this? Mike Emlet, in his book Saints, Sufferers, and Sinners has some thoughtful pointers:
Avoid saying “Let me know how I can help.”
This is usually not helpful because sometimes they simply don’t know. It’s way too overwhelming. Or they might feel bad about telling you what we really need. Pride can keep us from speaking up.
Offer a specific form of help, with the option of suggesting another form if it is better.
If you have listened well, you have a good sense of what life is like for your friend. Are there places that you see that you can help? Are there household chores, child care, meals to prepare, bills to pay, errands to run? Do they need help with transportation? Does you have an area of understanding or expertise you can utilize to help them get through legal language or medical jargon?
When you find a way you can practically help, Emlet suggests that you offer that specific task: “I can help pick up your daughter from school and bring her to her music class each Tuesday. Would that help or would something else be better?” This way, you are starting them off with a specific offer of help, but also giving them space to give another more helpful response if that is better.
By helping others in their suffering, we can be the hands and feet of the One who wants to minister to them in their suffering. We can then be the voice of invitation, speaking as an ambassador to the true savior of their souls, Christ Himself.
Walk for the Long Haul
Some pain is inconsolable. It will not end on this side of heaven. The answer is that there are no answers.
In situations like these, the best gift we can give is simply to keep sticking with them. Because we don’t feel their pain, it is easy to forget. It is being willing to listen—again and again—when you think they ought to have gotten over it by now.
The fact is there are pains that will not end this side of heaven. Disability. Degeneration of health. Unchangeable situations.
We need to be careful not to focus on the situation itself and resist the urge to respond with a theological treatise. We need to accept puzzles and mysteries in the life of faith while still trusting our sovereign God. And sometimes we need friends who will walk in faith when we cannot.
This can be hard because inevitably, we will encounter our own sorrows in the course of helping someone in their long-term suffering. Sometimes it is hard to bear with your own issues and help someone else.
In these cases, perhaps the best thing we can do is simply walk together in our suffering. Meet together. Share your sorrows together. Lament together. “Two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). We cannot take away the hardship, the struggle, but we can bring one another to the throne of grace where we can each find help and hope. We help each other walk to Christ.
By the way, though I have been assuming these are believing friends, our unbelieving friends will also suffer. All these suggestions can hold true for them as well. Being the hands of Christ to them may be their doorway into faith as we incarnate His comfort, help, and hope.
This ministry to walk with the suffering is one that is worth learning, for we will never escape the pain of life here in this world.
May we learn to be people who are skilled in understanding suffering in our own lives, so that we may trust the Lord in the midst of it and be changed by it. In this way, we become equipped to help in any affliction with the comfort of Christ.
