The Curriculum of Kindness
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”—Titus 2:3-5 (emphasis mine)
In my last post, we talked about the first part in a Titus 2 curriculum: love. This is a reverent love for God that pursues holiness in action through serving others and teaching what is good.
In this post, we’re going to look at another part of the curriculum: relationships. Titus 2:3-5 is certainly not a comprehensive description, but it does highlight a couple specific relational characteristics.
1. Not Slanderous
First, older women are not to be slanderers. Why this particular qualification?
Because of sin, it is so easy for uncharitable words to come out of our mouths. Left to our own, it is easy for our conversation to veer towards complaints or focusing on the negative. With a splash of envy or a desire to retaliate, it can become slander.
At the heart of slander is an elevation of self. It prides itself on its judgment, as if we have a God’s-eye view of the situation or another person’s motivations. It also takes it upon herself to be the executor of that judgment.
An older woman, however, needs to see herself rightly—before God and before others. She needs to recognize that she is not God, and she is not better than others. Again, it is reverence and humility, this time in regards to our relationships.
Just as love is unnatural to us, so is humility. As we grow and age, a godly Christian woman mellows and deepens in character. As the Spirit changes our hearts, it affects what comes out of our mouth.
Though this is a generalization, it is noted that women tend to be more chatty than men. This is a beautiful thing. But it also can become a temptation for us.
Slanderous speech has no place in the life of someone that desires to live a reverent life. As we submit ourselves to the Lord, He helps us to restrain our critical words so they will not cause destruction in our relationships.
2. Kind
Second, and more positively, older women are to be kind. The Christian life is not just about avoiding sin. It is also about doing good.
Kindness is a foundational character trait that is showcased best in our relationships. It is warm-hearted, helpful, tolerant, charitable, considerate, thoughtful. In short, kindness reflects God (Titus 3:4-5).
Like God, we are to extend this kindness not only to those who love us in return, but especially to those who may be difficult to love. Some of those people are the ones who live in our own homes—our husbands and children. (We’ll talk about them specifically in the next couple posts.)
Even if you are not married, we are to extend kindness to those who do not deserve or appreciate it, whether they be difficult neighbors or rude store clerks. As a part of the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23), kindness is a general trait for all God’s people, married or not.
Older women are to be kind. How might we show this kindness? Let’s take a look at a few ways we all can express this fruit.
We can show kindness through acceptance.
Because we ourselves have been loved by Christ, even when we were sinners, how can we justify doing otherwise for fellow believers?
In His great love and wisdom, God has created a wide variety of people. Though we may share looks or characteristics or values, none of us are 100% the same. Kindness means seeing these differences and then appreciating, embracing, and encouraging them instead of trying to conform them to become like us.
As older women, sometimes the age difference will seem like a great barrier. But instead of bemoaning the state of “this generation,” let us train our eyes to see the heart—beyond the crazy hair, body piercings, or tattoos. Sometimes it may be differences in social status or ethnicity or political preference.
Kindness does not major in the minors but focuses on the heart. An older woman who moves towards women who are different than she is, especially those that may be sidelined by others, and helps build bridges and connections for them shows a great kindness through her welcome and thoughtful care.
We can show kindness through comfort.
Entering into the suffering of others takes a heart of love. To knowingly and willingly wade into the depths of someone’s despair and pain distinctly reflects the heart of Christ who has done the same for us.
Second Corinthians 1:3-4 calls us to comfort others with the same comfort we have received through Christ—which implies that we have experienced this ourselves. This implies that in our own sufferings, we have learned how to turn to Him and humbly asked for His help.
The truth is, the longer we live, the more pain and suffering we will experience. It doesn’t get easier as we get older. In my own experience, life actually gets harder as age, tragedy, and finally, the loss of life becomes more of our reality.
But as older women who love the Lord, we can learn reverence even in our suffering. As we do, we actually are being equipped with the experience we need to help others do likewise. When we have tasted of the Lord’s goodness in our deepest pain, we can pass that hope on to others.
Walking with others through pain and suffering takes skill as well as love. This is especially true if you have not experienced the same difficulties others have. Sometimes we may wonder what to say to a single woman when we’re married or a young wife suffering with infertility when you have children of your own.
But this is where the Lord asks us to kneel as a servant and wash their feet. You may get nothing in return for bearing their pains, but kindness means we will bear with their tears and weep with them, even if it is not your burden.
It means doing your best to stand in their shoes and understand their particular heat. It means knowing when to speak and what to say. It means knowing when silence is needed, but it also knows when the silence of avoidance can be hurtful.
We can show kindness through encouragement.
Let’s face it, life on this broken world is hard. We suffer.
We also still live life in a body that still prefers our own way. We sin.
Older women who are humble before the Lord will recognize their weakness and seek to keep growing to change the way they deal with the hard things in life. And with that same humility, they will lovingly encourage the younger women as they too work through these hard things.
Encouragement often comes through words of affirmation, as we have already talked about earlier. They see the good work God is doing in them as saints—beyond just fluff. They highlight the special ways God is using their lives to build His kingdom and with their words, help them to persevere when the going gets tough.
The Greek word for “encourage” is parakaleo, which is derived from parakletos, which means “called to one’s aid.” To be an encourager is to be a helper, a term used to define a woman in marriage (Gen. 2:18), but is true for any woman.
This is part of our unique design. Though we all are called to encourage one another (Heb. 10:25), with our nurturing nature, it may come more naturally to women.
Let us be encouraged by Christ, then pass than encouragement on to others as well. Let us seek to build up, not tear down, so that we can help others also follow Him more faithfully when they are tempted to give up.
We can show kindness through nurture.
To nurture is to “care for and encourage the growth or development of” something, like a plant or a child. In the act of nurturing, you do not see the fruit, but you do see the potential and invest in that care as an act of faith.
This requires that we see the saint in other believers. This will help us to walk with them through their seasons of suffering and hardship, knowing that God will use it for His glory and their good. It also helps us to lovingly root out the weeds and stuff that gets in the way.
Nurture can also mean noticing the needs of others and supplying what they need. It can also mean being faithful in the little ordinary things, over and over, so they can have stability and build trust.
Nurture is often fueled by prayer, a dependence on God who has endless stores of good beyond our own. When we pray, we are calling to Him who provides the essentials we need (and often blessings besides!) and connecting our hearts to his.
We can show kindness through equipping.
To equip is to see a need and training others to meet that need by God’s strength. Training others to walk in faith doesn’t mean we do everything for them, but we teach them how to look to God for endurance to keep moving forward with others towards Him.
When we equip others, we help them to build a dependence on God and His strength. Those who are equipped learn as we model what to do. Then we let them try, and perhaps even fail, while we watch them. We celebrate with them when they succeed and comfort and encourage them when they do not.
I’m going to be talking a little more about this in the posts to come, so I’ll just mention it here. Equipping takes more time and effort than simply doing things for them. But it is a kindness in that those who are equipped are not only able to do it themselves, they can then share their expertise (perhaps even surpassing your own!) to others as well, multiplying your investment.
We All Can Teach the Curriculum of Relationships
When it comes to relationships with other people, be prepared that things may sometimes seem unfair. Be prepared that love is going to be inherently unfair and costly, requiring sacrifice as we serve.
Hopefully, as older women, we are growing in love for God and as we become increasingly aware of the great gift of grace we have been given, we will seek to find ways to honor Him by loving others with our words and our kindness. Like Him, we give generously and lavishly, not expecting return, but knowing that all we give is an investment into another human being that God may also use one day. And that is worth far more than anything we can ever give!
A wonderful example of such an older woman is Dorcas, in Acts 9. She served with kindness, “full of good works and acts of charity,” specifically in using her skills as a seamstress to bless others. Her practical care also communicated the kindness of God: noticing needs and using her gifts to support and encourage others. God saw fit to resurrect her bodily, but we can know that all we invest, even if it is unseen or unappreciated, is a way we can help translate the gospel into real life through our service.
This is something all women can do. Married women can show this kindness to their husbands and children, but so can widows or singles. Whatever life experiences (including failures!) God has given us, mixed in with our life-observations, can help build up the next generation of women so they might do likewise.
